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I
don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't
think... to sit in this room where he played guitar and sang, and feel so
honored to be near him, you're crazy... Anyway, he left a note, it's more like
a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened. I mean it was
gonna happen, but it could've happened when he was 40. He always said he was
gonna outlive everybody and be a hundred and twenty. I'm not gonna read you
all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some
of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this
considering that it's addressed to most of you. He's such an asshole. I want
you all to say 'asshole' really loud. "This note should be pretty easy to
understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years
since my first introduction to the shall we say, ethics involved with
independence and embracement of your community, it's proven to be very true.
"I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music,
along with really writing something, for too many years now. "I feel
guilty beyond words about these things -- for example, when we're backstage
and the light go out and the roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me
the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish the
love and adoration of the crowd." Well, Kurt, so fucking what -- then
don't be a rock star you asshole. "Which is something I totally admire
and envy. The fact that I can't fool you, any one of you, it simply isn't fair
to you or to me. The worst crime I could think of would be to pull people off
by faking it, pretending as if I'm having 100% fun" Well Kurt, the worst
crime I can think of is for you to just continue being a rock star when you
fucking hate it, just fucking stop. "Sometimes I feel as I should have a
punch-in time-clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within
my power to appreciate it, and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough.
I appreciate the fact that I and we have effected and entertained a lot of
people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when
they're alone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to
regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours I've had a
much better appreciation of all the people I know personally, and as fans of
our music, but I still can't get out the frustration to gather the empathy I
have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I simply love people too
much." So why didn't you just fucking stay? "So much that it makes
me feel just too fucking sad. Sad little sensative unappreciative Pieces
--" Jesus man oh shut up.. bastard Why didn't you just enjoy it? I don't
know. Then he goes on to say personal things to me that are none of your damn
business; personal things to Frances that are none of your damn business.
"I had a good marriage, and for that I'm grateful. But since the age of
seven, I've become hateful toward all humans in general only because it seems
so easy for people to get along that have empathy." Empathy? "Only
because I love and feel for people too much I guess Thank you all from the pit
of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last
years. I'm pretty much of an erratic moody person and I don't have the passion
anymore. Peace, Love, Empathy, Kurt Cobain." And there is some more
personal things that is none of your damn business. And just remember: this is
all bullshit... And I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel
the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys. I don't know what I could have
done. I wish I'd been here. I wish I hadn't listened to other people, but I
did. Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the
morning and think it's him because his body's sort of the same. I have to go
now.
